In over a decade of experience as a coach, I’ve seen all kinds of relationships.
Some are downright toxic, which is much more obvious than when things have gotten stale, boring and kind of sucky.
The unfortunate thing about a stale relationship is that this is how people end up eventually leaving and then saying things like “we just grew apart” or “we no longer wanted the same things.”
So what are the signs your relationship has gotten stale and could use serious help? That’s what I want to talk about today.
Here are 13 signs your relationship is in trouble and you need to take action before it’s too late:
1. Communication has become routine, boring and surface-level.
You no longer try to connect with each other in a real, deep way.
Instead, you have boring, and apathetic exchanges and/or more silence than you would prefer.
2. Spending time together has stopped being a priority.
You no longer plan surprises, dates or prioritize one on one time together.
Making time for each other has become an afterthought.
3. One or both of you has gotten a work wife/husband.
Making friends at work doesn’t automatically mean that you or they are cheating, but the transfer of emotional intimacy from to someone outside your relationship can be really bad for your bond.
Sometimes emotional infidelity slowly happens a bit-by-bit over time and crosses overinto a full blown affairone day when it started off as an innocent friendship.
Since as a society, we spend so much time at work, we often objectively spend more time with our co-workers than our partner. This can create lots of problems if left unchecked.
4. The affection has gone.
You have stopped being warm and physically affectionate with each other.
One or both of you routinely act cold and withdrawn.
5. You have a dead bedroom.
If you’re both happy with the frequency of action between you, what happens in your bedroom doesn’t destabilize the relationship.
However, it’s a sign of trouble if you one or both of you is constantly too busy, too tired or too “not in the mood” to hit the sheets and you haven’t agreed on the situation.
6. You repeatedly try to “talk about it” but nothing seems to improve.
Ever had those conversations where you go around and around with your partner but things only get better for a little while or nothing ever changes? Me too.
According to research by Drs John and Julie Gottman, 69% of problems in relationships are not actually solvable.
The fact that you have the same problems is not actually a predictor of losing your relationship.
The actual trouble happens when you expect that the problems will eventually be solved and use criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as strategies which do cause the relationship to break down.
7. You analyze your relationship with your friends and/or family constantly but never seem to gain clarity.
Usually our people have a pretty good idea of how things are going— even if we don’t share the nitty gritty details.
Sometimes friends and family will start to distance themselves from you because all you seem to want to do is talk about your relationship.
8. You heavily suspect they are cheating.
Whether they are cheating or not, the fear that they’re having an affair has started to plague your thoughts.
Jealousy is not an attractive emotion, and acting it out can easily drive your partner away.
9. One or both of you suspect your person doesn’t care anymore.
Whether or not this is actually true is not the real sign your relationship is in trouble.
It’s the sense of not feeling cared for that is most telling and points toward problems with your relationship.
10. You dream of things being the way they used to be.
You know that feeling where you wish you could rewind things back to the way it used to be before you had the sinking pain deep in your gut?
That’s what I mean by wishing you could roll things back to how they used to be. You have a sense of nostalgia for the past as though it’s not possible to get back to the way you were.
11. You feel hopeless since it feels like you have tried everything.
Sometimes you’re trying too hard— other times the real problem is that you happen to be the only one actually trying to have a better relationship.
12. You’re seriously considering leaving.
The internal “I know I can end this” pep talk starts— so does your mental tally of how exactly to move your overstuffed sofa and who gets the dog.
You start considering whether you should “put up with this” any longer.
13. Any discussions about the future or deeper commitment are shut down.
“Concert next month? I sure don’t know… that’s a long time from now.”
“Marriage?? I’m not sure I EVER want to get married.”
If you are worried about whether your relationship will survive, why would you commit to plans for family holidays in 6 months?
What should you do if you see these signs your relationship has gotten stale?
First, do not panic.
Obviously, seeing all of these signs your relationship is stale or in trouble don’t feel good.
However, the things on this list DO NOT mean that things are over or that your partner is planning on walking out this afternoon.
Even if they are actively packing their bags, you must NOT succumb to fear.
Assuming they are leaving you is usually a surefire way to psyche yourself out and damage your relationship further.
It’s usually possible to repair things, but it takes focus, strategy and effort.
Not you sprinting around doing your best “Chicken Little” impression.
Relationship insecurity panic (even when your relationship is really at risk) feels low value and desperate.
Lots of panic and nervous energy about the relationship will usually push them even further away.
Decide what you really want.
If you’re on the fence about whether or not you should break up with them or not, they can sense it. If you want to be with them, you have to make your decision and stick with it.
I’m not saying that you should ignore it if they treat you poorly— not at all.
But I am saying that you need to and make your OWN decision to stay or go. It’s really difficult to truly repair a relationship without knowing for certain that you actually want to be with the person you are in a relationship with.
Make changes for you.
You have zero control over anyone else, so that’s why I’m addressing you.
Your partner may or may not consciously want things to change, but one person committing to changing their energy can usually turn things around.
Usually when a relationship is sinking like this, one or both of you have lost yourselves.
One or both of you quit putting in effort to keep the spark alive. A stale relationship happens because of benign neglect and complacency, not malice.
Right when you notice this is a problem, fixing, worrying about, patching up and analyzing the relationship can take on a panic-freakout level of seriousness.
However, you cannot let the problem take center stage in your life and crowd out your outside goals and passions. It’s time for solutions.
And one of the best solutions for a relationship that has gotten stale is for you to get your mojo back.
That’s why you’ve GOT to go out and get excited about your life again. If you were never excited about your life to begin with, it’s a great time to start.
I know you can do it!
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Lots of the time, women don’t even realize that we’re disrespecting and emasculating a man, which is why it’s that much more damaging.
Are you doing this to your guy without even realizing it?
- 16 Ways Women Emasculate Men Without Even Realizing It
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As fear arises, so does the desire to stop him from pulling away and draw him close again.
The resulting panic-freak-out strategy mode can be so convincing since you might think you can get his attention back if you just do something.
- This Does NOT Work When A Man Pulls Away… Here’s What To Do Instead
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Toxic relationships come in various shapes and sizes, but the end result is that they drag you down instead of building you up.
Toxic doesn’t always mean evil or abusive, but lots of things I’m going to share are indeed evil and abusive.
It could be that you get along like oil and water or that the other person is truly not a nice person. Either way, find out what they are and how to handle it.
- 18 Chilling Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic And How To Handle It
